Fears

July 16, 2012

Steve being brave

Most of the day on July 16 was spent updating family. Steve spent a lot of time on the phone talking about me and the baby. I'm still in the hospital.  I'm still pregnant. I'm in trouble if I have this baby, though. My water broke. No, they don't induce for water breaking at this stage -- it's not necessarily the end, it just doesn't look good.

Lots and lots of people prayed. And asked their friends to pray. I think I had more people praying for me that day and the next than I even know. 

Steve had remembered the camera this time.  He spent most of the day with me.  He didn't want to leave my side.

Magnesium Sulfate continued dripping through my veins.

That afternoon I had another steroid shot to help the baby's lungs develop.

Twenty-four hours after this, they said, and his lungs will be like that of a baby a week or two longer in the womb.  That made his lungs like the lungs of a twenty-four or twenty-five week old baby. And those babies -- those babies sometimes lived.

I went online and read some preemie baby stories -- stories of twenty three weekers. But I only read two, because (as I mentioned before) both the babies died.

Flushed cheeks from mag sulfate

I learned what to be afraid of. Bowel stuff. One of the babies died at eight days old after food had been introduced.  Their belly couldn't process it. The other baby's death was at two or three months old, and came out of the blue. I was reading the blog, I was inspired by the baby's daily growth, I was feeling like maybe there was some hope -- and then the post changed to a bereavement post and a picture of the baby in a funeral gown. I don't know what happened.

Lungs -- if he's born now his lungs will be very bad. But lungs grow. The gut -- what if his gut didn't work?  If his gut doesn't work, he can't live. I might lose him after they started feeds. 

This was, looking back, an awfully oversimplified view of neonatology. It's more complex that that. But for me, at that moment, I worried about digestion.  Lungs, too, yes. And brain. But digestion most of all. Because of that baby in the blog who didn't make it a month.

But for now, we're buying him more time.  Every hour was important.  Every hour came with a few contractions. But he was staying in.

"No no no, baby, don't come out. That's a no-no" -- my girls words echoed in my head.